THIS is the MidLife Reason Your Wife May Want Out

Published: Sun, 01/09/22

Hey,

This is one of the most common questions I get from men wondering WTF is wrong with their wife when she starts making noises about leaving.

What you see is weird behavior like bursts of anger and then total isolation. She's glued to her phone 24/7 and glares at you if you even think of saying something about it. Sometimes it's new tattoo's, drinking habits or many nights out with the raunchy divorced friend you never liked much.

The answer is as important to your relationship with her as it is to your relationship with yourself. Here's the question.

"Is this just a midlife crisis?"

The worn out answer we often hear is this.

"I just want to be free and find out who I am. I've never been able to live the life I wanted and only lived for everyone else. Now is MY time!"

It may be worn out...but I believe there is a deep, dark truth lurking in there. But nobody ever talks about it honestly or intelligently.

And I think it applies equally to men and women who believe they have entered the midlife crisis zone.

It's Not a Crisis - It's an Unraveling

A friend and client sent me this incredibly rich article by Brene Brown titled The Midlife Unraveling.

Yes, I want you to read the whole thing yourself. Take it slow. Grab a cup of coffee. It's that good.

Let me give you the ONE take-away I believe you most need to understand when it comes to your just-might-soon-be-your-ex-wife.

Most marriages come to the breaking point NOT because of some kind of "crisis". It's NOT something sudden and unexpected. It's NOT an acute problem that has an immediate solution. And it's NOT about coming face-to-face with your own mortality.

It's not a fear of death. It's a fear of living...living honestly.

It's about the terror of tearing down the emotional walls we've built. It's about the pain of of revealing ourselves entirely and vulnerably so we can really be seen and understood as the person we really want to be. And it's the discomfort of shedding the "performance" of who we want people to think we are so we can actually be who we are.

This is the horror of finally putting our needs first and deciding to take care of ourselves and make our own growth a priority.

Brene Brown puts it this way:

"The truth is that the midlife unraveling is a series of painful nudges strung together by low-grade anxiety and depression, quiet desperation, and an insidious loss of control."

When someone is facing this level of pain and fear they often come to (what seems obvious to them) a solution that involves being anywhere but here. They feel like their entire self-image is unraveling and they have idea what to do or where to run.

It's that feeling that your wife would rather be ANYWHERE AND WITH ANYONE beside you that makes the dagger twist as it goes into your gut.

Wherever You Go - There You Are

And there's the problem.

If she (or you) believes the best solution to getting relief from the unraveling is to fly the coop then you'll wind up right where you started.

I often equate it to a horse perfectly willing to run through a barbed wire fence to escape an unexpected barn cat. The horse winds up shredded and bloody...but at least she made it to the other side of the fence!

The best coaching a man can get when his marriage is hitting the "unraveling" stage is to SLOW DOWN.

Men tend see this unraveling as a problem to be solved. We see the pain as a cut to be healed.

And we try to solve the problem of our own self-sabotage with the same sabotaging thinking and behaviors that got us here.

Silly, huh?

*****

Whether it is you - your wife - or both of you who is unraveling at the moment...the answer is to SLOW DOWN now.

Slow your thinking.

Slow your reactions.

Slow your judgments.

Slow your impulse to FIX something.

Slow your demands for certainty.

And slow your insistence on immediate closure and intellectual understanding.

This time in your relationship was specifically designed to help you reach a more spiritual understanding of what you need next.

This is why our coaching style and program is much more helpful to men than marriage counseling.

We don't focus on problems and we don't focus on "fixing" her.

We help you understand your OWN unraveling so you can stand a chance of understanding hers.

And when you do this everything becomes clearer. The fear fades away and is replaced by compassion.

Your conversations with her become WARMER and her desire to run through a fence starts to wane.

If you liked reading this newsletter then you'll LOVE a deep-dive coaching consultation with me or one of our master coaches.

We design these calls to be all about YOU and what YOU need.

Most men say they learn more valuable, actionable things in a free consultation than they've learned in months of marriage counseling or therapy.

This is because we know you inside out...because we ARE you, brother.

Reach out using this application and prepare for a conversation of a lifetime. I promise.

Lotta love, brother,

Steve

*****

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