What "First
Things First" Means in Your Marriage?
"That quiet mutual gaze of a trusting husband and wife is like the first moment of rest or refuge from a great weariness or a great danger." ~ George Eliot
TRUST is usually the "first thing" that disappears in a relationship in the months preceding the disappearance of intimacy.
- Remember the time when you both trusted each other's thoughts, words and intentions?
- Remember when, even if something came out wrong,
you both assumed the best and gave each other the benefit of the doubt?
- Remember when you could trust each other in your
mutual and inherent respect, love and desire?
- Remember how incredibly simple and easy it was to
connect and be intimate in any number of ways?
Yeah, THAT stuff! Those are the best of days. And that's what is probably missing today in your relationship.
When a man tells me, "I just wish we had more sex together like we used to.", I ask him if those things above are still true.
Guess what his answer is.
It's simple.
Connection and intimacy cannot survive without trust.
First things must always come first.
You might say, "Well, if we were having more sex, I think I could trust her more." It doesn't work like that. It never has.
Trust is not an emotion. Trust is a choice which turns into mindset which turns into a behavior.
And you BOTH better get that simple rule under your belt sooner than later. Why?
Because not only will your connection and intimate life die, you will quickly substitute new behaviors that
will end up killing your marriage.
Say hello to criticism, stonewalling defensiveness, resentment and contemptuous thoughts.
So, do you want more connection, intimacy and sex?
Let's talk about how you can REVERSE THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL.
Let's talk about leading her and your relationship back to the beginning...back to when things felt SIMPLE AND
EASY.
I'm not saying it will be easy to do.
While it's not at all complicated, it will require you to buckle up and lead with courage and clarity about who you want to be and what you want to create.
Here's my challenge.
Try to
string together THREE DAYS of trust. This is all on you. She doesn't have to play.
Each day for 3 days I want you
to:
- Go to bed with a smile and wake up with a smile. The smile means. "I'm good, she's good
and we're good." I want you to relax and slow your roll in every respect.
- TRUST her that she actually loves you no matter what you hear or feel.
- TRUST her that she wants a peaceful and intimate relationship with you.
- TRUST her that her negative words and feelings are not personal, but just a relief
valve.
- TRUST her that she wants to laugh at your jokes and be held in your arms.
- TRUST yourself to come from a place of love, compassion and understanding.
- And TRUST yourself that you can speak more powerfully with your eyes and your energy than you
ever could with your words.
On the 4th day, sit back and review how those 3 days felt.
I don't care what actually happened...I want to know how it FELT to operate with a trusting mindset.
How did it FEEL to be a leader? How did it FEEL to live according to some standards YOU set for yourself - regardless of what she is doing.
This is what I mean by First Things First in your relationship.
And then take the next step. Get serious and get brave. Do something you've never done
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