If there is contempt in your relationship,
you have to decide that you are going to BE the change that you want to experience
Contempt is the worst “Horseman of the apocalypse“ because there is a very hateful energy behind it. Contempt has a truly mean motivation behind it and includes behaviors like:
mocking, disrespecting, ridiculing, condescending, belittling, mimicking or eye-rolling and is fuelled by a long-term simmering on thoughts that you’re holding in your head.
Contempt is the worst because it feels like hate.
Every
time you do something contemptuous it’s going to create even more feelings of hate.
Contempt can also come from a place of superiority. It can make you feel more righteous and it tends to make the person who’s doing it put themselves on a pedestal and look down on the other person.
But let’s get clear. When she is in a bad mood, if she rejects your advance for a hug or a kiss or even sex – that isn’t contempt.
When she complains about a bad day, stupid co-workers or feeling overwhelmed – again, that’s not contempt.
Contempt is intentional. It comes with the intent to hurt. It’s not the smaller stuff like complaining, whining and venting.
In my experience (married for 28 years) I can think of many kinds of contemptuous things I did, especially when it came to what I used to call “intellectual warfare”. This was is when I would try to make her feel stupid and insidiously try to insult her intelligence. I’d be condescending, belittling, mocking…that kind of stuff. I hate to admit that I was like that but when I reflect back and
hear some of the crap I said… I’m not proud of it.
If only somebody would have told me what I’m telling you now.
How does contempt poison a relationship?
Contempt creates a total lack of emotional safety. Emotional safety is another one of the foundations of a good
relationship.
Using contempt erodes trust in each other and you then start to EXPECT the worst from each other.
Contempt creates a repelling energy between you two so that you can’t even get close to each other anymore…creating even more distance and tension.
Contempt, breeds
more contempt. The more contemptuous you are towards her, the more she will be toward you and vice versa.
So how can you change a cycle of contempt?
I want you to know you always have the choice to decide your response. Your feelings come from your thoughts.
The next time you feel attacked or mocked or ridiculed, I want you to first recognize that it’s coming from an emotional reaction inside her. Then you can decide how you’re going to choose to think about
it.
Recognize that the attack comes from fear, from frustration, from a part of her that isn’t trying to hurt you. She’s trying to build herself up or to protect herself in some way
and it’s not all about you!
When you feel contempt coming at you, you have to just stop, identify it and call it out.
If something horrible is
said to you, you can say something like “You know, that was really horrible”, or “That was really mean”, or “That was uncalled for”, “That’s what they call contempt. We have to stop this!”
It’s very important that you
are consistent in how you handle this.
The best way to stop contempt in your relationship is to be the one who stops doing it first, permanently and consistently. Do not allow yourself to screw up. Hold yourself
accountable to a higher level of behavior.
You have to stand up for what you want by being what you want.
Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt are
the four things that are most likely to create a divorce. If you want a way of reversing the downward spiral in your marriage and creating a new version of your relationship then it has to start with you.
You have to decide
that you are going to BE the change that you want to experience.
You can’t expect things to change when you’re sitting around and being the victim saying “Well she’s been critical, she’s been defensive, she’s been stonewalling me and she’s been
contemptuous”. That’s how kids talk. When we grow up into men we get the choice – the choice to grab our balls, take control and be the master of our own emotional world.
Start hearing what you’re about to say and catching
yourself before you go there. If contempt is being aimed at you, stand strong, call it out, tell her what you expect, and own your stuff.
We love to help men understand what’s happening in their relationships and often what they’re doing unconsciously that are causing their relationship to nosedive.
We would love to help you become more confident, more calm and more deliberate in your marriage and all the areas of your life where you’re struggling.
Do you recognise contempt in your marriage? Want to learn how to turn it around and get back to having an amazing, fun time together again? Here are some ways for you to get started straight away:
Free: Take Our Attractive Husband Self Assessment Here >> $69 Monthly Subscription:
Join Dan and I in the Men’s Roundtable which is our community of powerful, successful men learning and supporting each
other to become leaders in their relationships. $497: How to Defuse the Divorce Bomb is a self-paced course with me, coach Tim Wade, and community of men learning how to lead when you've just heard, "I love you
but I'm not in love with you" or "I want to separate or divorce." Custom coaching package: Our
1-to-1 Masculine Confidence coaching programs are the fastest way to realizing your full potential as a
man on a mission to create the life and relationships you really want. As Teddy Roosevelt
said:
“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” I simply LOVE doing this work with men because it lights up my life to watch you charge back into your life with a grin on your face and swagger in your step. |
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