The argument started as a simple discussion.
Then things went south.
Phil was standing at the stove with a frying pan noticing that his fist was starting to grip it tighter and tighter as the color in his wife's face began turning bright red.
Once again he felt misunderstood.
Once again he felt unappreciated for trying to help.
Once again he found himself in this all-too-familiar place of feeling pinned into a corner trying to defend himself and not "be wrong" again.
And then it happened.
For the very first time in 30 years she said something he thought he would never hear. The words shocked him into temporary paralysis.
"F*CK YOU!", she cried. Words he had never heard her say in any context for as long as he had known her.
This was serious.
Phil stared at her and softened his stance and his expression.
A deep breath. And another.
He made a split decision that surprised even him. It came from a feeling of care and love for her. He saw the hurt and realized that escalating this would not only be useless...but selfish and childish.
And he was done with those.
He gently set the frying pan on the stove and looked at her softly and said, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."
Then he said, "I'm going to take a break and cool down."
"So you're just going to leave?!", she challenged.
"No, just a break. I think it's best. I'll be back shortly."
And then he took a 45-minute drive. He sat quietly in the park. He watched people play pickle ball. He listened to music.
He told me, "I couldn't believe how calm I was. Something was telling me everything was okay. I was okay. I wasn't replaying the whole thing in my head. I wasn't coming up with a counter attack. I wasn't angry."
This was new territory for Phil.
He had a 180 degree shift in his mindset about his wife, about her words and about his own feelings of anger.
Phil knew when he got back home and walked through the door that everything was going to be okay. No fear. No anxiety. No walking on eggshells.
What was it that Phil knew now that he didn't know before?
It was both elegant and simple to him.
There was no tiger in the room. He wasn't going to die. He didn't need to fix anything.
And he didn't need to explain, defend or demand anything.
All he had to do was think of her in the highest regard.
All he had to do was love her.
And as he walked through the front door she could see it on his face.
And the rest of the day was one of the best days he ever had.
*****
