Sometimes a Guy Doesn’t Know What He Doesn’t Know
“What am I doing wrong?!” the young man asks.
“Well”, the trainer started, “It’ll take another 7 days to answer that question, so I won’t try. You’ll be better off knowing what that mare needs from you to trust you. I thought you might start to get it after a while, but it’s not uncommon to see guys just try the same old stuff with more gusto thinking she’ll come around.”
Putting a hand on the young man’s shoulder, he said, “Over the last few days I’ve watched how you are with her. You’re loud. You’re bossy. You act unsure of yourself. You yank on her halter. You wave your arms a lot. You act scared of her. She thinks you’re scared of her.”
He continued, “Let me explain what she needs and why. Knowing this will help you choose how to act better tomorrow. First and foremost, she needs to feel your respect. This is not the same as you saying you respect her. She will know based on how you act."
"She can’t feel respect from you when you are unaware of how she receives your attempts to communicate. The horse is not a mind reader, but she can feel the PRESSURE of your intentions – good or bad."
"Everything you’ve communicated to her this week felt like control, disappointment, frustration, and demands. Your uncertainty with her reactions to you felt like distrust and fear."
"And the negative energy of your grumbling felt like disapproval. You say you want her to stand next to you, but she feels your urgency to get a saddle on her and ride. She is having a hard time just relaxing and being a horse in your presence."
What’s REALLY Going on Here?
A horse’s ability to trust, touch, respect, and enjoy the company of a person comes with conditions. With an ability to feel the smallest fly land on their butt, they feel the intention and pressure from everything around them.
They need to feel a calm confidence from people.
They enjoy the predictability of an even-temper and purposeful assertiveness.
They are literally attracted toward a person (or another horse) who creates feelings of safety, relaxation, and fun.
Yep. Horses like fun.
They prefer to be “asked” or “invited” to do things for people with the smallest amount of pressure.
Horses HATE excessive pressure. And so does your woman.
Although they will begrudgingly respond to it, they will always prefer the presence of a person who can make them feel accepted and safe with the least amount of pressure.
Horses become restless with excessive eye contact, an aggressive approach, and overly tentative behavior. And when they're around someone who flips between pushy, tentative and resigned, they lose all trust that he can lead them anywhere safely.
Oftentimes, the very best “release of pressure” to a horse is to simply back off. Give her space. Allow her the freedom she was born with.
A lot of people crowd horses with touching, affection, and constant attention. It freaks them out.
They need time away from the expectations of being perfect.
This time and space allows them to reconnect with people more readily and willingly.
The person who can achieve this with a horse is able to form the partnership they seek.
Some of the most amazing, mutually respectful relationships I’ve seen are between a person and a horse who seem to delight in doings things for each other just for the fun it.
What’s in it for You?
It’s funny. Men who learn to work effectively with horses never question “what’s in it for them”. When they learn what’s really going on, it’s obvious why they need to be the one to initiate a better environment for the horse.
However, men who struggle in their marriages are not so quick to understand. And I get it.
Like their wives, these men have ALSO been experiencing some very real pain, disrespect, and distrust in their marriage.
The decision to accept part of the responsibility for that reality is a tough one.
But just like the young man in the story, continuing to operate the same way every day will always yield the same results.
I want you to choose a new way of operating – first for your OWN happiness – then for your marriage.
